Loving a Schizophrenic – A Singapore perspective

By Stephen Thompson, Ph.D.

Raymond Anthony Fernando is a fulltime writer, poet, motivational speaker, trainer, advocate for the mentally ill and a freelance television actor. Till date he has published ten books, including one of his best seller “Loving a Schizophrenic – a true story of love, loyalty and courage.” Loving a Schizophrenic is a true story of his wife (Doris Lau Siew Lang, also a published author) who suffers from Schizophrenia. This is the first time that a caregiver in Singapore has written such a book.

Mr. Fernando speaks exclusively to OpenBeast in this candid interview.

OpenBeast: How did you get into writing?

Raymond Fernando: You might say I am an accidental writer. I was forced to become a writer because of circumstances. As I witnessed the suffering and torment my wife, Doris went through during her battle with schizophrenia, I decided that instead of bowing my head in sorrow, I should pick myself up and embark on a writing career that would eventually create the pathway for me to pen my thoughts on mental illness and other social issues.

You have redefined the term caregiver. Tell us more about your journey as a caregiver?

It has never been an easy journey as the sole caregiver to my wife. And 37 years caring for Doris by myself with little or no support, is no easy feat. The reality is that when you are looking after a loved stricken with mental illness, you are all alone in this world. The lack of awareness and structural support for caregivers is very weak here in Singapore. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that my wife’s illness has actually created several career pathways for me, because although there are people in our society who will not accept people with mental illness, there are also kind-hearted citizens who fully support my love, dedication and commitment to my wife. People who believed in me gave me the opportunity to become a songwriter, a freelance TV actor, a mental health activist and a motivational speaker. Through my website, blog and facebook, I was also able to advise, counsel and encourage people going through depression and the stresses of life. Soon our local television and radio stations came to learn of my work as a mental health activist and the dedication to my wife. One thing led to another and before long, my wife and I had the opportunity to speak of our journey together on several local TV and Radio programmers. My best-seller, “Loving a Schizophrenic” was a big morale booster. It gave both my wife and me the motivation to write more books and contribute to the literary culture here in Singapore.

You seem to refer or talk about many people who have walked into you life who presumably showed one face on the outside and another on the inside. Why don’t you let go those and only write about positive people who surround you?

Yes, I do write positive things, but I feel that a balance has to be struck. There are many people who have hurt me deeply and writing about the pain that has been inflicted on me is, to me, a good way to heal.

My intention in raising the plight of the mentally ill and their caregivers over the last six years in the media was to seek understanding and support from the Government and society as a whole. I have also made some suggestions to improve our mental health care and I am encouraged that some progress has been made.

I wrote a letter to the press on 5th April 2010 highlighting the struggles I face as a caregiver to my wife who suffers from schizophrenia and four other illnesses. In that letter, I mentioned that she has to take 42 tablets a day to manage her five chronic illnesses. This was not to seek sympathy from readers, but to highlight the arduous journey caregivers like myself face in caring for their stricken ones. One of the comments posted in cyberspace to that letter was downright insensitive and hurtful. As usual, the commenter chose to remain anonymous. Using a pseudonym, this is what he suggested I do to my wife: “Taking 42 tablets daily? Even a doctor will get confused. Better euthanize her.”

At first, I could not forgive the netizen. I was also deeply disappointed that although I had sent that press letter to about twenty friends, including those that I have helped, only five people took the trouble to reply to me, comforting and giving me encouragement. With their words of encouragement, I slowly began to realize that God wants us to forgive. I would therefore write about such negative things as a means to “heal” and also to raise awareness of such abuses so that such insensitive acts will be put in check.

Do you think you as a person made a difference from a Schizophrenia awareness perspective?

More people who speak out on the plight of the mentally ill will, of course, be better. But although there are thousands out there who are suffering in silence, many are fearful to speak of their pain; partly because of the social stigma that is attached to mental illness.
But I will not be discouraged by this lack of collective support.

This reminds of the story of the beautiful and inspirational true story. “The young man and the starfish” was yet another reason why I decided to champion the plight of the mentally ill and those going through the stresses of life. You would recall that the young man in the story did not give up throwing starfish back into the miles of sea because he wanted to save their lives. That’s how I see myself; that I may be only one man, but I hope to make a difference. To me, advocacy which has now become part of my life, is God’s calling.

Talk about your upcoming book. And what is it about?

I may have to end my writing career because the floaters in my left eye is causing my vision to be poor and also that my wife’s needs are increasing day by day. I guess that God has guided me to pen, what may be my last book; a book on advocacy, which is expected to come out very soon. It is a book which I feel very passionately about.

This is the salient point: “A CHOICE, A VOICE, A CAUSE: One man’s advocacy on social issues” documents Raymond’s tireless efforts to raise awareness of mental illness and other social issues, and to secure more support for those who struggle with the stresses of life.

If Oprah Gail Winfrey is reading this interview, what would you say to convince her to consider you for an invitation for her TV show at the new Oprah Winfrey Network?

I am inspired by many of Oprah’s quotes, but this has got to be one of my all time favorite: “Lots of people want to ride with you in the Limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the Limo breaks down.”

This quote speaks of those who will stand by you in moments of adversities. Most people will be nice to you when all is well and sundry, but the true test of friendship is when you have fallen by the wayside. In Oprah’s shows, we have a western perspective of those who are going through huge challenges in life, and it includes heart-wrenching stories of sufferers of mental illness, such bipolar and depression. I would like to present an Asian perspective of those who are marginalized; in this case the mentally ill and their caregivers.

Do you have any advice for caregivers, especially for younger folks who would have less experience or resource?

Learn as much as you can about the illness, practice a faith and exercise patience and perseverance when caring for your stricken ones. Be inspired by others who have come up in life despite facing huge challenges in life. The journey is never easy, but if you are able to give love and understanding to them, God sees if nobody does. And when God sees, HE will know how to reward you.

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Raymond Fernando’s Blog: http://rayhope8.blogspot.com/